


The Isle

by KittyCatriona (War_Worn_Lipstick)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt!Dan, M/M, NO DEATH, Phan - Freeform, Phil's POV, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Recovery, reference to suicide, tw, vague description of suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 18:49:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7065916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/War_Worn_Lipstick/pseuds/KittyCatriona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is trying to help Dan recover from a suicide attempt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Isle

**Author's Note:**

> heed the warnings pls!^^

I think about recovery and it’s not what I expected. You’d think you’d notice the improvements, the steps forward both big and small. You’d think there’d be a clear path and it’d be easy to trace. It’s not that way, not really. I think there’s a lot of faking it. I think there are a lot of secrets. There definitely are a lot of setbacks. But looking at where we are now compared to where we were only a couple months ago… recovery.

To this day I don’t really know what happened. I know when Dan finally answered his phone, he was on a bridge staring at the cars speeding by below him. I know when I finally reached him, after he’d hung up, he was standing on the railing looking off at the horizon. It was raining. His hair was curling at the tips. 

I talked him down and we went home, and we curled together on the couch and drank hot chocolate and we talked things through, but he couldn’t really form complete sentences and he didn’t seem to know what he wanted to say as it was. 

I didn’t know what to do. I thought about taking him to the hospital, asking a doctor what could be done to help him, but he looked so dejected against the arm of the couch and I couldn’t bring myself to make him get up. I thought about calling a therapist, but I knew he wouldn’t want to involve a third party. So I just took care of him myself. I found a website with good tips on how to help a suicidal friend and tried my best to follow them.

1\. **Be proactive.** Maybe it bothered Dan, maybe it made him feel better, I don’t know—I followed him around throughout the day. I helped him with stuff, like washing his dishes or editing his videos. I repeatedly told him how much I cared about him. He wouldn’t respond all the time, but I think just hearing it might have helped.

2\. **Encourage positive lifestyle changes.** Neither of us had ever really had a “positive lifestyle,” at least not for years, but I did my best to be healthy just for him. I woke up earlier, and I made breakfast, and then I forced him out of bed, too, and then I’d take him for a walk to a plaza or a park or something. I’d bump my knuckles against his as we walked so he wouldn’t forget I was there. Sometimes we’d meet fans along the way, and he’d smile widely at them and for a while it would seem like everything was fine. 

3\. **Make a safety plan.** I sat him down a couple days after the incident on the bridge and I told him that if he ever felt so hopeless again, he should talk to me. Or if he isn’t comfortable talking to me, he should call his parents or Louise or anyone, really. He nodded. I told him, if nothing else, he shouldn’t just _leave_ when he’s feeling lost or confused. “Communication is the key to comfort,” I said, and he told me that was "a very Phil thing to say.”

4\. **Remove potential means of suicide.** I cleared out our medicine cabinet and put a lock on the knife drawer. I don’t know if the latter was really necessary. All I know is that when he first noticed it, he started crying, and he slid down the counter to the floor. I sat beside him and apologized, but he didn’t say anything. He just kept crying. 

5\. **Continue your support over the long haul.** It’s been two months. There’s still a lock on the knife drawer. We still go for walks almost every morning. It’s become part of our routine, now. 

I think about our new routine and realize that I don’t really mind it at all. It’s nice, really. Caring for Dan. Knowing that he knows I care. That’s really important. I sort of wish I’d done it sooner. I really should have done it sooner. 

It’s okay, though. Because he smiles more, now. He’s back to making jokes that aren’t completely forced, and I don’t have to push him as hard to get him to make a new video for his channel. He initiates kisses again. I’d forgotten how nice that was. 

So yeah, there’s been a recovery. But I’m still waiting for the day when I look at him and remember he’d once been depressed, he’d once been suicidal, and now he was completely over it and basically not even the same person. When I look at him and remember I’d thought there was a possibility we wouldn’t get through this. When I look at him and realize he’d completely recovered.

Yeah. I’m still waiting for that day.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a spiritual successor to "Green Glass Doors," which if you want you can find [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6851770). Careful--it's Dan's POV of his suicide attempt. I wrote it a while ago and sort of wanted to touch back on it with this. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> P.S. Did anyone else ever play the game/riddle The Isle of Green Glass Doors? It was my favorite thing as a kid.


End file.
